Love Is A Lightsaber
by miserychickfic
Summary: Jackie and Donna want to spend a weekend alone with their guys, but what happens when they end up at the same Motel? Side stories; Kelso is still bummed about Jackie and Hyde so Fez tries to help him find a lady friend.


[In Hyde's room, Jackie and Hyde are making out on the bed]  
  
Jackie - [stops kissing] Steven......what do you think about going away for the weekend?  
  
Hyde - ....hey, weren't we in the middle of something?  
  
Jackie - [slaps him] I mean it. We have been going out long enough to spend some quality time together. In someplace...romantic.  
  
Hyde - [looks around] What, this isn't romantic?  
  
Jackie - ...Steven.....there's a pile of dirty clothes over there and i'm pretty sure there's something growing under your bed. Let's have a weekend alone. Just us. No distractions.  
  
Hyde - ....well it's just us right now and it's still a little distracting.  
  
Jackie - ...Oh, you are so stupid! Do you even know what I'm saying??  
  
Hyde - What? You're just saying that you want to spend time together, you and me in some hotel room away from everyone else for one whole weekend, just us alone for two whole day--....oh you wanna...  
  
Jackie - If you don't ruin it now!  
  
Hyde - ....Did you even have to ask me? Yeah, let's go right now!  
  
Jackie - So this weekend...you promise?  
  
Hyde - Just you and me doll. ...Now what do you say we get back on topic here?  
  
[they resume kissing]  
  
******************************************  
  
[Kelso sitting at the kitchen table drinking a pop, Kitty comes in]  
  
Kelso - Hello Mrs. Forman. Nice day today?  
  
Kitty - [menopausal] Well MAYBE for you, you......you MAN!  
  
Kelso - [looks scared] ....I'M SORRY MRS FORMAN!  
  
Kitty - [normal] [HA HA HA!] Oh, no I'm sorry. Mrs. Forman is just having a little bit of a fit today.  
  
Kelso - You mean you're gettin all menopausey again?  
  
Kitty - [menopausal] SHUT IT! [normal] ....now, Michael, what are you doing in my kitchen?  
  
Kelso - [depressed] Oh, well Eric and Donna are at the movies and Fez....well I don't want to think about what Fez is doing, but Jackie and Hyde are in his room and I don't wanna be down there....  
  
Kitty - Michael, honey, you just need to pull yourself together! They have been together a while now, and it's time you accept it. Now you just need to go out and meet a nice young woman.  
  
Kelso - But I don't wanna! I mean...Jackie's the only girl for me.  
  
Kitty - ..Oh, Michael, every girl is the only girl for you! You cheated on Jackie with Laurie! And that Pam Macy girl! And you dated Annette, that young woman from California! You've made your way all the way around Point Place by now!  
  
Kelso - ...ok first of all...yeah, I might have done that, but that's because I'm generous and I like sharing with people. ...What kind of person would I be not to share all this [points to himself] ? A SELFISH one! ....And second of all.....HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS!??  
  
[CUE MUSIC]  
  
*******************************************  
  
[In the basement, Kelso is in Hyde's chair and Fez is on the lawn chair, they're playing Mystery Date]  
  
Fez - [opens the door] Ohhh!! The captain of the football team! [holds up card and rubs it] ....he's dreamy.  
  
Kelso - [stares at Fez] Uh, yeah. You're quite the lucky gal Fezzina..  
  
Fez - [looks at the card fondly] Yes...I am.  
  
Kelso - Alright, let's see who I got. [opens the door] The nerd!?  
  
Fez - [laughs] Oh, ho ho, you got yourself a winner there Michaeloola!  
  
Kelso - Fez.....we've been over this. I AM MICHELLE! MICHELLE MICHELLE MICHELLE ---  
  
[Eric and Donna walk in]  
  
Kelso - --- MICHELLE MICHELLE MICHELLE MICHELLE--  
  
[stops and looks up at Eric and Donna]  
  
Eric - .....Kelso.....i don't want you coming over anymore.  
  
Fez - [laughs] Make sure you invite me to the wedding! ....Michaeloola!  
  
[Kelso goes upstairs angrily and Fez follows]  
  
[Eric and Donna take off their coats and sit on the couch]  
  
Donna - So how'd you like the movie Eric?  
  
Eric - ....well it was no Star Wars, I'll say that.  
  
Donna - ....Eric you say that about everything.  
  
"Hey Eric how's your grandma?"  
  
"She's no Star Wars, I'll tell ya that."  
  
Eric - .....well she's not.  
  
Donna - [sighs] Anyway...I've been thinking about us...spending some quality time together. So what do you think about going away for the weekend?  
  
Eric - Donna....do you remember the last time we went "away for the weekend"? ....I don't want another Red and Kitty situation. I had to sleep in the lobby that night! ...and it was cold...  
  
Donna - No, Eric, this time we'll make SURE we don't run into Red and Kitty. This weekend won't be anything like that. [makes a sad face]  
  
Eric - [looks at Donna] Oh, how can I say no to that face? Hmm, let's see, no.  
  
Donna - [frowns] Fine. [looks down at her shirt] Guess you won't be seeing these babies for awhile.  
  
Eric - ..Donna.....Donna you can't be serious. I have custody over those two. [stammers] .....I can take you to court.  
  
Donna - Sorry Eric. The twins are tucked in, and they're not wakin up. [leaves through the basement door]  
  
Eric - [pauses] FINE FINE I'LL GO!  
  
Donna - [comes back in] Thankyou sweetie.  
  
Eric - .....So....you wanna get those twins up? I'll tuck em back in.  
  
*******************************************  
  
[The next day, Donna and Eric driving in the Vista Cruiser]  
  
Donna - I am so excited!  
  
Eric - Yeah, me too. I've heard the La Motel is much classier than the Le Motel.  
  
Donna - Oh, really? How so?  
  
Eric - Well....You haven't been there with Casey Kelso, so that's good enough for me!  
  
Donna - [laughs] I guess. But we'd better get those fancy little bottles of liquor and those tiny little cookies.  
  
Eric - I actually requested them, NOT to put the liquor bottles in our room.  
  
Donna - [scoffs] Why'd you do that!  
  
Eric - Hey, I thought this was supposed to be nothing like that weekend? Those tiny bottles of drunkeness were definitely a factor that weekend!  
  
Donna - Oh fine.....  
  
Eric - But we will get those tiny cookies.  
  
[Donna smiles]  
  
Eric - .......makes me feel superior. [does Fez's stallion face]  
  
Donna - [laughs] Man, this traffic's a bitch.  
  
Eric - I know, this guy behind me is totally riding my ass. I wanna punch this guy in the head! If I had a lightsaber right now...  
  
Donna - You don't have a light saber, you don't have a millenium falcon, and you can't punch that guy with your mind!  
  
Eric - [mutters] ...damn woman....always bursting my bubble....  
  
*******************************************  
  
[Eric and Donna pull into the La Motel parking lot]  
  
Eric - Damn, I'm finally rid of this guy. Oh look he's parking beside us.  
  
[Eric and Donna get out of the car]  
  
Donna - Tell him off Eric!  
  
[Hyde steps out of the car and stares at Eric]  
  
Hyde and Eric - Holy shit.  
  
Donna and Jackie - Oh God.  
  
Eric - Well....what do you know.........Red and Kitty.  
  
*****************************************  
  
[Kelso and Fez in the circle, Forman kitchen]  
  
Kelso - I can't believe that Jackie and Hyde are off with eachother somewhere at a motel. Don't they know that is just wrong? SEX is wrong........well........okay that's just crazy talk, but Jackie and Hyde sex is WRONG.  
  
Fez - Well.......I have a girlfriend and Kelso doesn't........This is just like the time when Kelso had a girlfriend and I didn't......except I do and he does not.....Kelso what I'm trying to say is......I have a girlfriend......and you don't. And that is sad.  
  
Leo - I had a Foto Hut and now I don't.  
  
Red - ....get out of my house.  
  
Leo - ....YOU get out of MY house.  
  
Fez - No No Mr. Leo! Mr. Red's shiny big head might explode and a boot will be in your butt! [turns to Kelso] ...Kelso you need to find a woman. We will find you one today! Today is your day Michaeloola! I will get you your captain of the football team!  
  
Kelso - Hey! Boot butts have nothing to do with Jackie and Hyde doing it! .......wait maybe it does........Aw, man! [leaves]  
  
Red - [looks at Leo] ......why are you here?  
  
Leo - ......why are YOU here?  
  
*******************************************  
  
[the La Motel lobby, Jackie and Donna are talking, Hyde and Eric are waiting in line for their room keys]  
  
Hyde - Look Forman, I don't want you messing up tonight.  
  
Eric - [looks at him suspiciously] Why what's happening tonight? [raises an eyebrow]  
  
Hyde - [looking embarassed] Nothing man, just Jackie and me are gonna be a little busy so I don't want you around when I get my swerve on.  
  
Eric - Hyde.....do you think I want to see your swerve? I don't want to be anywhere near your swerve. The swerving and I do not want to get aquainted. .....But why are you even here man! Of all the motels!  
  
Hyde - Hey, they already caught me when I pulled the fire alarms at the Le Motel! ...who woulda thought about fingerprints huh? And I'd like to remind you that I did that for your benefit, so I expect you NOT to butt in. [gets his key]  
  
Eric - Hyde.....whatever I do with my butt, it will not have anything to do with you.  
  
[Eric next in line]  
  
Eric - Uh, reservation for Forman?  
  
Man - Forman.....Forman.....I'm sorry you're not listed.  
  
Eric - Of course I am, I called yesteday.  
  
Man - Sorry.....you should have called ahead.  
  
Eric - [waves his hand around] ....I DID! ..YESTERDAY! .....WHICH IS NOT TODAY! ...I'D SAY THAT WAS AHEAD!!  
  
Man - I'm sorry sir, but we are overbooked. There's only one room left.  
  
Eric - [sighs] Fine we'll take that one!  
  
*******************************************  
  
[Eric and Donna in the Utility Room]  
  
Eric - This is so.......classy.  
  
Donna - Yeah, luxurious. [sits down on a cot]  
  
Eric - Okay, this is bad. But hey, we can still have a good time! We got this.......heater right over this way. Giving us....heat.  
  
Donna - Eric this is horrible!  
  
Eric - But Donna, think of all the people we'll help! Because when we go at it, the heat we generate is gonna power this baby up! [pats the heater] [yanks hand away] AII!!  
  
[rubs hand] .....hot.....okay, maybe it doesn't need our heat, but Donna...we said this was gonna be fun and it will be. And hey, so far it's nothing like that weekend!  
  
Donna - Oh, get bent! [shoves Eric out the door]  
  
Eric - [from behind the door] .......okay this is a little too familiar!  
  
*******************************************  
  
[Hyde and Jackie in their room which is really nice]  
  
Jackie - Steven, this place is perfect!  
  
Hyde - Yeah.....Look at all the shit I can steal......I'll steal that......and that......oh that too....  
  
Jackie - Yeah, you can figure all that out later [puts her arms around him] For now...  
  
Hyde - [kisses Jackie] Alright then. [pulls her on the bed and continues kissing]  
  
[knock at the door]  
  
Hyde - [looks up] [whispers to Jackie] ...we're not here.  
  
[continues kissing]  
  
[louder knock]  
  
Hyde - [sighs] .....Dammit. [gets up and answers the door]  
  
[Eric is standing there]  
  
Hyde - .....I thought you made a big deal about not bein around my swerve! ....well the swerve is in motion!  
  
Eric - Hyde...Donna is pissed. You have to let me stay here with you for awhile until she calms down.  
  
Hyde - ....no. [tries to close the door]  
  
Eric - [pushing on the door] No, Hyde! You don't understand! The twins will never see their daddy again!  
  
[Hyde closes the door]  
  
Eric - [yelling outside the door] The children! Think of the children!  
  
***************************************************  
  
[Kelso and Fez are at the Hub]  
  
Fez - So we have been to the Piggly Wiggly....we have been to Eric's where Eric is not at......we have been to Fatso Burger....and now we are here...at the Hub. AND YOU CANNOT FIND A WOMAN!!!??  
  
Kelso - Fez....I can't just GET a woman. Well, okay, I can, but I am very picky. She's got to have everything I look for......nice boobs for one.  
  
Fez - [points to a fat guy] ....he's got boobs.  
  
Kelso - NICE boobs, Fez!  
  
Fez - ....what? they are nice! ..and strangely erotic.....  
  
[close up on the man's chest]  
  
[his "boobs" are bouncing around and a hypnotic melody is playing in the background]  
  
Fez - Oh my....  
  
Kelso - ....Sometimes I worry about you man..... Anyway, like I was saying, I can get any woman I want, I just have very high standards. They got to have the 3 things I admire most in a woman: nice boobs, long legs, and nice boobs.  
  
Fez - [still staring at the man's chest] The jiggling is hypnotic...I have the urge for jello.....  
  
Kelso - .....okay.......  
  
[Fez looks down at Kelso]  
  
[Kelso uncomfortably places a hand over his chest to cover himself]  
  
************************************************  
  
[in the Utility Room, Eric is sitting on one of the cots, Donna has her back to him on the other cot]  
  
Eric - [thinking] Why is she so mad...she dragged me into this weekend......and I made a reservation.....not my fault the La Motel sucks...I should just leave her here...  
  
[Obi Wan pops up on his shoulder, played by Kitty]  
  
Obi Wan - Eric. You can't just leave Donna here! What kind of gentleman are you! That's a bad thought. You keep bad thoughts out of your head! Any kind of bad thoughts! ....I CAN READ YOUR THOUGHTS SO I'LL KNOW!  
  
Eric - [still thinking] Obi Wan? I didn't know you got menopausal...  
  
Obi Wan - YOU SHUT YOUR DIRTY LITTLE MOUTH!  
  
Eric - ...Well, I don't know what Donna's problem is....I didn't even do anything!  
  
[Darth Vader pops up on his other shoulder, played by Red]  
  
Darth Vader - [breathing heavy] Eric... .......come to the dark side....... ........leave Donna here..... ....go back home...... .....sweep the driveway.... ...dumbass....  
  
Eric - Yeah.... YEAH! I'm gonna leave! and I'll sweep the hell outta that driveway!  
  
Darth Vader - Attaboy..... ......dumbass....  
  
Obi Wan - No! Don't let the dark side lure you in! That's how they got Nixon ya know!  
  
Eric - Well...I guess that's wrong....even though she's not in the right.....but, I mean i do love her...  
  
Darth Vader - What's love got do with it? I want my driveway swept dumbass. [takes off mask] [as Red] Eric, why the hell am I here. I don't wanna be here! I told you no more Star Wars or i'm kicking your ass! Right now I'm a bit small so I will settle on putting my foot in your ear if I have to!  
  
Eric - Dad! You're Darth Vader? What an unexpected twist!  
  
Red - Eric....I am your father....  
  
and I can't help that. Now leave Donna.  
  
Obi Wan - No Eric! [as Kitty] Red! You quit that!  
  
Red - Kitty, my driveway ain't gonna sweep itself!  
  
Kitty - You will be sleeping on the couch for a loooong time if you keep this up mister! Now you convince him to stay right now!  
  
Red - [sighs] Fine!  
  
[Kitty pops away]  
  
Red - You see what you did there dumbass? Now I won't get to see the twins either! You better sit your ass on this cot and make the best of this, because if you come home, I'm gonna stick my foot so far up your ass, you'll be eating your shoelaces!  
  
[Red pops away]  
  
Eric - ......okay, I don't think I want to do that.......  
  
***********************************************  
  
[Jackie and Hyde in their room, the lights are off, candles are lit, Hyde is sitting on the bed]  
  
Hyde - Jackie you out of the bathroom yet?  
  
Jackie - [opens the door to the bathroom] [wearing a nightie]  
  
Jackie - Ya like?  
  
Hyde - .....[closes his mouth and shrugs] It's alright.  
  
Jackie - Steven, I want you to know that you're the second person I've ever been with....and that's supposed to be lucky.  
  
Hyde - ...I never heard that.  
  
Jackie - ....Yes you did...just now...from me. I just want you to know that I did mean what I said before. I do love you.  
  
Hyde -....thanks babe.  
  
Jackie - [frowns] ...."thanks babe?" Don't you have something to say to me?  
  
Hyde - ...lookin good in that nightie?  
  
[Jackie stares at him]  
  
Hyde - ...what do you want me to say?  
  
Jackie - [upset] HELLO! ...We're about to "prove our love" and you can't even say it!?  
  
Hyde - Why is it such a big deal?  
  
Jackie - Why!? If you can't even express your love for me then we have no love to prove! [gets up and goes into the bathroom]  
  
Hyde - [goes after her] Jackie! .....Sex IS expressing love!  
  
Jackie - [from inside the bathroom] Oh, what a bunch of crap!  
  
[Hyde, his back against the bathroom door, slides down to the floor]  
  
Hyde - [thinking] Damn Forman......and karma......  
  
************************************************  
  
[Sunday finally comes around, the gang is back home, Eric and Donna walk in the basement.]  
  
Donna - Well that was just fabulous Eric.  
  
Eric - Donna...look I know this weekend wasn't what you wanted.....but I just want you to know...that even though it wasn't all that we expected....I still had a pretty good time.  
  
Donna - Eric....we hardly spoke.....and when we did it would be to the maintenance guy who asked us for the mop or the vacuum cleaner.  
  
Eric - I know, but I was with you. And I don't care where we are as long as we're with eachother. Because I love you so much.  
  
Donna - [smiles] Yeah...I'm sorry too....I shouldn't have gotten so mad at you.....it wasn't really your fault....I just wanted a special weekend.  
  
Eric - I know...but as long as we're together, we'll always have a good time, because we care about eachother.  
  
Donna - Eric that is so sweet. [kisses him]  
  
Eric - ......you know you said you were sorry too....but I didn't apoligize.  
  
Donna - ....what? Yeah you did.  
  
Eric - No..because I didn't do anything. I love you, but I'm not gonna apoligize for something that wasn't my fault.  
  
Donna - ........oh, you will NEVER see me naked again!  
  
Eric - I'M SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY --  
  
[Donna laughs and shoves him before they kiss again]  
  
********************************************  
  
[Jackie's house, Jackie's in her bedroom reading a magazine, Hyde walks in]  
  
Hyde - Look, Jackie! You can't be mad at me because I haven't said those words yet! It's just the way I am!  
  
Jackie - ...."those words"? You can't even say them when it's not even directed at someone? Why can't you say them!?  
  
Hyde - I just can't!  
  
Jackie - Steven, just say you love me!  
  
Hyde - No!  
  
Jackie - Why not!  
  
Hyde - Because it's just not something that I do!  
  
Jackie - Steven, if you love someone, you tell them! Now if you love me than just say it!  
  
Hyde - Fine, I love you!  
  
Jackie - [smiles] Aww, Steven, I love you.  
  
[hugs him and kisses him]  
  
Jackie - ....okay Steven. Let's prove our love now.  
  
Hyde - .......no.  
  
Jackie - [surprised] ..what?  
  
Hyde - Look.....I just don't want to rush you into anything......if we do anything, than it should just happen. Not because of anything, just because we feel like we should when we're in the moment..  
  
Jackie - [smiles] Steven that is so considerate....[kisses him] .....say it again.  
  
Hyde - What?  
  
Jackie - Say you love me!  
  
Hyde - [laughs] No!  
  
Jackie - You say it now! [pinches him]  
  
Hyde - Damn woman!  
  
[Hyde wraps his arm around Jackie and they kiss]  
  
Hyde - I love you.  
  
["I think I love you" plays while they kiss]  
  
I think I love you  
  
But what am I so afraid of  
  
Afraid that I'm not sure of  
  
A love there is no cure for...  
  
CREDITS  
  
****************************************  
  
[Eric and Donna in the driveway]  
  
Donna - So I hear that Fez has a new thing for jello.....  
  
Eric - Hmmm.....you know I had this wierd dream back at the La Motel. Red was Darth Vader and my mom was Obi Wan Kanobi.... Red tried to kick my.....ear. ..i'm a little afraid Donna.  
  
[Red comes running over]  
  
Red - [out of breath] [like Darth Vader] Eric...... .......sweep....... ....the driveway......  
  
Eric - [scared look on his face] I'M NOT GONNA JOIN THE DARK SIDE! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! [runs inside]  
  
Red - [to Donna] .....why do you want to marry my son? 


End file.
